Blueberries and the Blues

The Blueberries: This last weekend I visited my very good friend, Jill, in Tyler, Texas. East Texas has unique soil that allows blueberries to grow. I left Dallas bright and early sat. morning so I could meet her at the blueberry farm before it got too hot. I had never picked before so I relied on her expertise to get me through :) We had a blast! We picked for about 2 hours which provided a great time for us to catch-up on life. I picked 5 lbs of blueberries and then I bought 2lbs of pre-picked berries because it was getting very hot.

When I got home on Sunday, mom and I went to Wal-Mart to get canning supplies...I've never canned anything before! I found a recipe on the food network channel that I've been dying to try...orange-blueberry marmalade. The recipe was a competition recipe that Bobby Flay used in one of his Throw-Down episodes. He ended up winning and the judges went crazy over his marmalade. The recipe was very high-maintenance and not very specific. Long story short, I decided to change the name to orange-blueberry SYRUP! We now have 6 jars of syrup.....It calls for a lot of pancakes!

And now for the 'Blues': This week has been harder then I thought. I find myself crying periodically. This week would have been my due date had we not miscarried. Of course I cried for a couple weeks after the miscarriage but then I was doing pretty good. It's like all of a suden a brick of emotions hit me this week. We have spent the last 9 months trying to 'fix' my body so that this doesn't happen again. I've had 3 surgeries and been on some horrible treatments. For some reason I almost feel guilty for trying to get pregnant again. I'm scared that we'll miscarry again and have to go through another 9 months of trying to 'fix' my body. Most of my emotions are based on untruths but they're real none-the-less.

I have been grateful that the Lord is in the mist of breaking me. That has been my prayer for a while now because I have felt like walls are high and thick and I have not allowed the Lord work. It hurts when I realized just how undeserving I am of God's grace and mercy. When I begin to see myself for who I really am and not try to deceive myself or others. "For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For I want to do the good, but I cannot do it" Romans 7:18 The last 9 months have broken me in a new way as I realized that I have NO control over my life. Just when I think I do, the Lord finds a way to humble me. I'm sure this week will continue to be full of some tears, but the outcome will be sweet.

I know I just rambled and I don't know if any of it made sense. I've realized that I try to controll my life by forcing things to make sense...but in reality sometimes it just doesn't...and that's ok. It's freeing to experience my emotions instead of stuff them or build the wall of China around them.

I'll post some pics of my weekend soon.